Ides of Smarch

Wristy LaRue – An Exercise in Dot Points

• I had my wrist checkup Friday and the splint is working, avoiding the need to have surgery. I’ve still not “officially” broken a bone in my body.
• The holiday was good, I fed and held every animal I was able to. Eagles can be a bit weighty and I had a stingray make out with my hand. It was… interesting.
• Though my niece was extremely excited I was visiting, it took 3 presents before she would stop hiding from behind my sister’s leg to say hello
• I have now been farted on by a babby. It was less interesting than the stingray situation
• I took up the bodhran, or as I like to call it to annoy an irish friend, irish drum. I like it, but like most instruments, I’m terrible on it
• I’ve forgotten how to complete my rubiks cube
• I’m starting macedonian language classes tomorrow
• my PT did such a leg intensive session last week that I almost couldn’t put on pants the next day

Before I go

It’s almost time to go on another holiday. This time instead of climbing mountains, training at dawn, wandering through fortresses or ordering a coffee in the most grumbling, slavic drawl you could imagine, I’ve got a ‘relaxy’ holiday planned. “That’s not very like you, you fucking madman”, you might say. And you’d be right. I can see myself getting very fidgety and restless, but I’ve informed all relevant parties and I think it might work out fine.

The list of things to do are:

• See aquarium
• Eat all the food
• Swim at the beach

I’m relatively easy to please like that, but that’s pretty much all I’ve planned. Maybe because that’s all I saw on the brochure, maybe because that’s really all I really give a fuck about.

The catch here is that standing between me and a bowl of laksa the size of my head is a 2 day Systema Seminar with an international instructor. I’ve mentioned Systema before on this blog, and to be honest, I find it to be the best and worst thing in the world. Good Systema practitioners worry me. As a martial artist with 10 years experience, not a whole lot phases me, but the good guys here can move like water and punch like an automated punching juggernaut. As well as just plain hurting, Systema fucks with your mind, and as we all know fear is the mindkiller, I really don’t know how to get past some of it. Which is exactly why I want(need) to learn more.

UnfortunatelyIhadafallabout5weeksagoandtoretheligamentsinmyleftwristandcantuseitatallbutI’mdefinitelydoingtheseminaranyway.

It’ll be excellent. Come 5pm Sunday, I’ll be battered, bruised, happy and a few hours from getting the fuck out of here.

Stupendous.

Back to scheduled broadcast

Welp, Soundwave is over for another year. It’s been a long, expensive week, but I can now sit around at night watching the Simpsons. My winner of Soundwave week was Mastodon. I’d not really heard a huge amount of their work before, but they did 2 great sets and their latest album has tracks that are well suited to on-stage performances.

Honourable mentions definitely go out to:

• Kvelertak – amazing both times I saw them
• Black Label Society – despite succumbing to the urge to have Zakk Wylde jack off all over his guitar near the end of their set, rocked my smelly socks off.
• Slipknot – having seen Stone Sour last year, much prefer Corey in a mask. Not because I think he’s unattractive, he’s a handsome chappy, but his stage presence is completely different. Aggressive, high energy and a little bit mad.

But for now, back to real life where I watch cartoons and complain I don’t get to listen to enough music. I’ve got 1 more working week till I can take 2 entire weeks off work and go on a bit of a loliday. I’m hoping it doesn’t wreak havoc on my attempts at getting a bit fitter, and I am planning to do some kind of exercise to at least reduce the impact of a weeks worth of laksa, but I am also intending on staying realistic about it.

The only real thought I’ve had about taking time off is wondering what to do about my chilli plants. You remember them?

They seem to be going through plant puberty or something lately. They’re shedding their first lot of leaves, growing stronger and taller and getting hair in strange places. The butt jokers are even starting to flower. I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to assume it’s a good thing.

The Scorpions are looking reasonably good and going through the last stage in their shedding, while the dickchillies have got some rather impressive girth happening with their stalks…

Llllllllllllllllllllllllllladies…

Anyway, I’ll have to think of something. Considering I wasn’t expecting any of them to get past the ‘instant death’ stage, I’m getting to a point where I’d really like to see them live.

I know, I’m scared too.

Soundwave Week

Now I’m living in Melbourne, Soundwave week is the most expensive week of the year. They (I guess I’m part of the they) get all the great sideshows and get to take a day off to go to the festival. While a lot of friends looked at the lineup and sneered, I was pretty happy with this years listings. Why? Because I was right in the target demographic when the angry, angsty, ‘somewhat’ heavy bands hit the scene and told us of magical, wonderful things, such as nookie, beautiful people and angels that deserve to die. While I’ve lost a whole lot of interest in the bands, I never got around to seeing them for one reason or another. This way I can kill a whole bunch of birds with well thought out one stone throw.

Unfortunately, because of so many 90s/00s bands headlining, there’s a metric assload of conflicts in my schedule, to a point where I may leave halfway through one band to catch another, which I have never bothered to do before. I thought there was a chance I could thin out their numbers with the side shows, but it hasn’t really gone according to plan. I caught Mastodon, Gojira and Kvelertak last night. It was fucking awesome. Kvelertak played a kickass set, Gojira were surprisingly easier to listen to than I’d anticipated and Mastodon were fucking excellent. Unfortunately, the outcome was that I have knocked Gojira out of my Soundwave viewing, and added the other two. Well, I guess that’s progress?

TO-NIGHT Black Label Society and Hellyeah are playing. There are two more supports which… well, I’ll probably go and check out, but they wouldn’t be on the list of bands I’m intending on checking out. Well, they aren’t now… Fuck… you see where this is going?

Want to see the timetable with a rough schedule of bands to see? Sure you do.

A lot of bands I’ll have already seen before, but would be keen to see again. I figure if I can constantly run laps of 3 areas for the 10 hours I’ll catch everyone. Or, you know, make some amazingly well timed, masterfully thought out military-esque schedule of appearances.
Or, I could do what I always do and drink beer at the Metal stage. The power is MINE!

Body Hack

I’m a bit of a gimmick junkie regarding diets and exercise. I like to try crazy things that appeal to my sense of self destruction in my unending quest to be less of a chunky monkey.

The last crazy diet I tried was Ori Somethingorothers Warrior Diet. It was fucking hard to begin with. In short, it revolved around ‘undereating’ during the day and ‘overeating’ at night. The diet cops a lot of guff because at first glance, the undereating looks more like starvation. It’s not, I can’t be bothered explaining it, so I won’t and you’ll have to take my word for it. I did okay on it, but unfortunately it’s a bitch to maintain, especially when you’re living with people and take into account their eating habits or don’t have much time to prep meals yourself. Also, eating salad for lunch makes me angry. While I could easily use the unbound fury as extra energy for training, sometimes I just want a gigantic, spicy bowl of laksa anyway. I know they’re all excuses, but I said I like trying stuff out, not that I was good at sticking to it.

Recently(ish) one of my friends sent me a copy of the 4 Hour body, saying I might be pretty interested in it. Unfortunately, I don’t like reading e-Books, but this is probably the furthest I’ve gotten into it. I’m not intending on taking everything on board. The author borderline tells you not to and recommends specific sections of the book regarding what you’re after. It’s a great read and he really gets stuck in to myths, numbers and evidence… well… plausible evidence I guess…

Regardless of what people say about these books or diets, I always find them pretty interesting to read. Whether I take something else on to play around and screw around with my body again is a different story, but it’s somewhat fun for me in a strange, strange way.

On a somewhat different note, in the horror movie I’m watching as I write this, a man had his head bitten off by a giant, slimy, Lovecraftian bat. So I guess, if none of the books help, there’s always that.

1, 2, Fuck, You.

2 DAYS without more than 2 coffees and I am starting to wonder why the fuck I decided to do this at all. I mean really, what was I thinking? REALLY. Bah.

I’m tired and surly like a bull in a china shop. I’m hazy as hell in the morning, and by about 9am I’m starting to feel a bit sick due to feeling like I’m being punched in the face by tiny invisible elves with needles for fists. By 9:30/10am I’ve possibly uttered three or four sentences and headed out for coffee 2. It’s been close to tiding me over till lunch, but by about 2pm I want to hurt things. By 3pm, things are hurting me. Then I don’t really know what happens and I wind up at home again.

NOT COOL. Not cool. I feel like I’m wearing those beer goggles from that Lizard Queen episode of The Simpsons… something else more significant was the plot line but I forget what it was. Actually are they even in the same episode? I don’t even… wait, I’m sure they are. Anyway, those goggles, you know the ones… but instead of maeka more seksi, it just makes me look at everyone like they’re annoying me. Not that it doesn’t happen the rest of the time, it’s just a bit worse. The goggles do something.

Anyway, I forget where I was going with this. It’s not cool, but I guess this week I’ll save … $25? ish? Next week is a day longer and no short Friday. WORST IDEA EVER.

Caffy

With the annual Festival of Commerce rapidly approaching, it’s hard not to feel reflective and perhaps even a little emotional regarding things we care about, lying close to your heart.

I was told yesterday that my 2 local coffee haunts were closing over the Christmas break. While taking a couple of weeks off in the festive season isn’t a particularly ground-breaking step, this really hit me where it hurts.

My face.

Or more specifically, my head.

Having replaced breakfast with coffee when I was just a little bastard, sneaking around, tying peoples shoelaces together before innocently kicking people in the shins, I have a bit of a problem when I don’t have it. The people around me usually have more of a problem, but that’s their fault for being near me. I get headachey, sleepy, angry, surly, irritable, frustrating and pukey, like I’ve assimilated the bizarro 7 dwarfs.

Like any good IT person, I’ve got a severe caffeine addiction. I’ve usually had 3 coffees by 10:30, and it’s not uncommon to round out a 5th before the day is over. By no means do I think this is a huge amount, worthy of shocked gasps or fabulous prizes, but it’s a few, and it’s regulat. If I miss one of them, there’s usually some sort of trouble in my bubble.

So, confused reader, what is my point? I’m considering using the restriction to try and pull back the number of coffees I have a day. From reading the above, you might realise this could be a very brief, yet dangerous experiment, but why not try? Because hundreds of innocent people could get hurt for very little reason? Because I could easily make more coffee at home or use the “pod coffee” at work which is actually free? Both perfectly valid reasons, but what’s life without the blatant disregard for the safety of the general public? It’s boring, that’s who.

Recently, in an attempt to overcome some of the more obscure elements of my motion sickness, I’ve been sitting on trams backwards. I’m no longer falling off them and balling up in a pool of my own vomit for an hour while praying the world stops moving for a while, I’m merely getting a bit warm and slightly dizzy afterwards.

I’m quite sure I can cut it down to 2 coffees a day. In theory, it will just take a bit of willpower, some thick-skinned workmates and maybe a strait jacket. In reality, I’ll probably decide it’s a stupid idea and fashion some kind of macchiato IV drip from hundreds of Hungry Jacks straws and 3 paperclips.

Friday is the last coffee day and my head is hurting just thinking about it. May dog have mercy on us all.

The Fantastic Adventures of El Skeleeto

So, it’s been a while between updates. I’d apologise, but to be honest, I’m not sorry. I’ve been busy doing possibly too much of the things and I’m now starting to unwind.

Rather than go into the complainy, overly dramatic, nonsensical raisins I’ve been too tired to bother with anything, here are 2 lists:

Stuff I’ve been doing:

• Working – using skills to pay the bills
• Massaging – 13/15 hours logged since this time last month with a fulltime job. I’m pretty happy with that
• Reviewing – I’ve done a couple of reviews for Gamepron. I love writing for them and am really grateful they let me do so
• Watering – them chillies is lookin good. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeap.
• Nerding – I’m still really enjoying playing D&D, buying the odd miniature and painting it and I’ve started playing Magic again, albeit very casually(frequency as opposed to level of intensity)
• Putting weight back on – see below
• Watching Cheers religiously – I’ve always liked the show, but now … I must watch it. The power of Danson compels me.

Things I’ve stopped:

• Playing – I picked up my guitars the other day, had a noodle around and realised I’m polly wolly terrible. HA-ha.
• Training – apart from doing kung fu in a park once a week with a friend, I’ve stopped circuit classes, kickboxing, BJJ and not gotten back to Systema to do massages and try to do other stuff.
• Sleeping – I haven’t been sleeping very properly since that time with the thing
• Blugging – obviously. I’ve had ideas for short stories and blog posts a lot lately and I’m not finding time to do anything other than tweeting to amuse myself.

There’s probably more other things, but that’ll do for now.

Scorpions, Dicks and Bhuts

For my birthday this year, 2 of my particularly awesome friends bought my chilli seeds, some potting mix and a pot. They gave me 3 types of seeds, Trinidad Scorpions, Peter Peppers and one I’ve since lost the packet for. The mystery ones are really frustrating me as they seem to be growing quite well since I moved them to the pot. Spending most of my time on the destruction side of life, I was a little confused about how someone like me would grow anything, but hell, if it worked, EVERYTHING WOULD BE COMING UP WINHOUSE.

I started with the mystery chillies. Germinating them in… whatever month it was a couple of months ago… August? Was it back then? What month is it now. Anyway, it was cold. I’d assumed I had sentenced them to an icy death in their fruit containers. Then after a while I noticed they had started to grow. With a squeal not dissimilar in pitch to a pre-teen mosquito I read up on what to do next. A few guides had said some would die soon after the initial push, but when they had a strong couple of leaves repotting them to make more room would be a good idea. Also a bad idea as they don’t really like being repotted and have a tendency to die after the stress of having to move, much like people. Nonetheless, I put in the few plants and covered them in more potting mix. I’d tried to germinate all the seeds, assuming the casualty rate would weed out the week and only the most brutal of them would survive. Soon after, I’d decided to try to grow a few scorpions.
Continue reading…

The hell am I doing?

Unfortunately, I want to do it all, but I can’t. I’m trying to change martial arts constantly, attempting to find a hidden dojo that may have somehow slipped beneath my steely glare. A while back I was training Systema and loved it. I trained 2-3 times a week for the 1.5 hour classes, I’d keep up my training on the off days, then kind of lost motivation. So I looked elsewhere, tried out a Muay Thai place, a Hung Gar school then decided to sign up at an MMA Academy so I could do some fitness work and if I was feeling particularly saucy, drop in on a kickboxing or BJJ class. I was training 4 times a week, sometimes 2 classes a night and things were good.

I took a day or two off sick and stressed then worked a few late nights here and there and dropped off again. The last class I went to was a BJJ beginner class, where I got a little frustrated and during the last 5-10 minutes the newbies were told to watch the rest of them ‘having a roll’. As a customer, that was more than a bit annoying, and coming from an instructor past myself, I kind of wondered what the fuck that was all about. I haven’t been back since and had actually considered and inquired about cancelling my contract there. Turns out I’d signed on for 6 months. Then I gotsa thinking, what the hell had happened from me being willing to commit to a 6 month spell to being too bored to walk around the corner from work and punch things.

All the places I’ve trained have certainly had their merits. They all taught their styles well and I am *very* choosey with my fightin’s. I picked up new ideas and exercises and a lot of really cool information on how different cultures choose to approach combat. However information is one thing, if I’m not practising, I might as well join the rest of the keyboard warriors and start trolling masters on YouTube. I’d really love to study them all somehow, where my only issue would be which style I’d feel like using to get my foot into a face.

So why don’t I just go and do it? I’ve no fucking idea. I can’t find the motivation anywhere. Not in my bag, in the fridge, under my left foot, nowhere. I’m tired, fidgety and I’ve got all the enthusiasm of a slightly smelly fish sandwich and it pisses me off.